Charles

I've never really noticed, or rather, never really acknowledged just how close to the edge I live.  And no, I don't mean that in the EXTREME way, I'm talking mentally, emotionally.  There are so many things that I repress, so many feelings that I just refuse to allow myself to express for one reason or another that for the longest time I didn't really turn around to notice how big the pile had grown...or another way to look at it?  Just how deep the hole had gotten.  

The signs have been there, I've had my little slips, my feet dangling off the edge.  I've felt the 'absence' of solid ground over the edge on many an occasion but really?  Each time I'd pull myself back up and dismiss that hole as nothing but a 'thang'.  Well you could say that last night I decided to turn around and look at it, assess just how deep it goes and how heavily its been affecting me and I paled at the realizations that I had come to.  Frankly, I'm terrified at just how deep it really is and just how close to the edge of it all I have been...and still am.  There is so much pressure that I put on myself, so much stress that I have put onto the back burner to be dealt with at a later date that I'm surprised I'm still functioning, even if its at 40% of my full, potential capacity.

So what do I do?  Continue to ignore it and push on with that fall a constant, mere inches away?  Or address it?  And if I decide to address it, how?   I can't ignore it, not after peering over the ledge for the first time since, well, [i]ever[/i] and analyzing just how far down the drop is.  But how in the hell do I address this type of stress and pressure that has been eating away at the ground next to me for so long?  How do I fill that hole back up?  Is it even possible?

Ugh, I need more time to think.  Thank God for this four-day weekend.

I haven't posted in here for so long I forgot how to make a new entry.  D:

...was amazing.  Nami, Dia, and I kicked some hardcore ass...after we got into our own respective grooves. 8D  I love Gears 2, it really does get my heart pounding on many occasions, especially Horde mode.  WE MUST DO IT AGAIN YOU TWO!

In other news, Happy New Year everyone.  I haven't really thought of any resolutions though I think I know what I want to accomplish this year...I just haven't really narrowed it down.  One thing I know I need to work on is self-esteem.  I didn't really notice just...how much I look down on myself.  It affects a lot of things about me, from the way I dress, which isn't how I want to dress, to the way I carry myself and act around others.

I'm always scheming up plans and ways to go about doing things.  Maybe its about time for me to scheme up a plan to change myself for the better and give myself a reason to constantly feel good about being me.

Funny how I never really cared for another journal or diary or whatnot.  I never really kept one...but then again, I'm not good at keeping to set things.  I've always been too much of a free spirit and thanks to that, anything that feels like an obligation to me is put off until I no longer feel obligated...or simply forget.

That said, here is another journal in my care.  It may or may not last.  I don't really know what I should update these things with, but at the very least I'm here.

This is my mark.